The 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever

Here are my choices for the 10 worst Christmas Songs ever ... be sure to send me your choices!


1. I’ll Be Home for Christmas – Bob Dylan - I was going to put all 15 cuts from Bob Dylan’s 2009 “Christmas in the Heart” album on the list, but I wanted to be fair to the other nominees in this category. This particular song will scare little children and make adults cringe. During the holiday season, if you find long lines at the mall, holiday traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike and truly bratty kids on the Santa Claus line to be “festive,” you will enjoy the Dylan album.



2. O Holy Night – Tracy Chapman – Holy crap is more like it. From “A Very Special Christmas 3,” Chapman brutalizes my very favorite Christmas song. In fact, South Park’s Cartman sings it better. When I first heard this rendition, I was looking for a “fast car” to take me as far away as possible from the sound.



3. Last Christmas – Ashley Tisdale – She’s 24 now. There are no more "High School Musicals" in her future. Why does she still sing like she is nine years old? If precocious and annoying little girls are your cup of holiday cheer, this song from “A Very Special Christmas 7” (they need to stop already), is right up your alley. Yuk.



4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Bif Naked – I know. What did I expect? But the truth of the matter is that several of the other songs on the “MTV: The TRL Christmas” album are quite good. This one, however, makes you want to throw up in the egg nog. Bif needs to get dressed; go to the doctors; and get the vocal chords fixed.



5. Little Mr. Snowflake – Eddie Rabbitt – Only in a Country Christmas song will you find someone singing to a freakin’ snowflake asking it to find a long lost love. In this cut from “A Smokey Mountain Christmas,” Rabbitt sings: “Little Mr. Snowflake, if you happen to land on her soft brown hair, would you give her for me lots of hugs and kisses.” After about 37 seconds, you are rooting for the snow flake to melt on the way down.



6. Frosty the Snowman – Fiona Apple – What is it about snow that brings out the worst in singers? The usually soothing Apple is rotten to the core on this cut. From “The Hotel Café Presents: Winter Songs,” Apple sings like an Appalachian hillbilly high on moon shine. Fortunately this one bad Apple song did not spoil the whole bunch on this generally outstanding album.



7. I Want An Alien for Christmas – Fountains of Wayne – Before you ask what I am doing with the “Victoria Secret Christmas Morning” album, don’t forget I go to yard sales. Who knew my 25 cents would get me this little gem.



8. Feel Like Killing Myself for Christmas – Sick Puppies – Truly one of the more uplifting seasonal tunes every recorded. Consider these lyrics: “I feel like killing myself for Christmas. I never got along with my mom and dad. I feel like killing myself for Christmas. It would be the best Christmas I ever had.” Joyful, no? Only released as a single, but still you will want to run right out and get this one to stuff in your 12-year-old son’s stocking.



9. Christmas Tree – Lady Gaga – Again, we lucked out. Just one song here from the newest (and hopefully soon to be “latest”) pop rage. If you don’t switch the station during the horrible intro, you will hear the Gaga Lady sing “The only place you’ll want to be is underneath my Christmas tree.” Yeah, only with earplugs and a nice thick Christmas blanket wrapped over my head.



10. Donde Esta Santa Claus – Guster – “Feliz Navidad,” we like. This one, not so much. From “The Perfect Christmas – Sparkle,” you’ll be wondering “Donde esta” the off button about 15 seconds in.